So I’m still obsessed with this New York Magazine article I wrote about last week about The Affairs of Men. I’ve had myriad conversations with women and men about it. I’m discovering that more and more women are having or have had affairs than I’d ever suspected. Apparently I live in some single gal pumpkin patch that thinks men are the primary cheaters once you get married. I clearly need to rethink that supposition.

But as an addendum to the article, they did a poll of men and women asking myriad questions about sex, frequency, beliefs. And this statistic caught my eye. That when asking marrieds how many times a month they had sex, men answered they had roughly 16% more sex than women. Really? Now I know these weren’t actual married couples that answered, but simply marrieds, but still. Really? How does that work?

Do men and women define sex differently? My discussions say yes. Men tend to define it as the act of intercourse, women often define it as what can be a quite complicated time/intimacy equation. Men don’t see blow jobs as sex, but women do if it is part of more intimate evening (I’m betting on your knees in the Oval Office counted as far as Monica was concerned). This is similar my question of The Line regarding affairs. Is there a line that defines sex. And if so, men are getting exponentially more based on this poll, and my ideas about how it is defined.

Maybe the definition of sex was made clear in the polling of the question, but what if it wasn’t. If women don’t enjoy it, does it count? Yes but begrudgingly — they’ll look for the caveat. Women want the emotional connection that goes with making love. Otherwise, as Charlotte in Sex and the City put it, they just want to “get it over with.” Men, trust me, if he gets off, it counts, baby.

So once again I’m left flummoxed. What am I asking? Or what am I concluding? What I am sure of is the act of sex is not a barometer of happiness. It’s a very necessary component to be sure. But how it’s happening is critical. And if he’s getting it 1.3 more times a month than she is then that bloody article above will continue to haunt me.

So here I am still looking for answers. Anyone got any? Bring it on.

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