January 2010


So I’m working from home again. And I’m finding the whole thing quite fascinating.  At the shop I was sidetracked. I felt trapped at times. And more often that not, I was pretty unproductive. And now here I am at home with the same list of to do’s and it’s different. Invigorating. Dare I say it, sexy.

My new found freedom has an almost aphrodisiac quality to it. Maybe it’s the idea of “no rules.” Maybe it’s that I’m only responsible for me. But either way there is something overwhelmingly erotic about the whole experience. And in very interesting ways. Because I feel like I just broke up with myself and am dating again.

And I mean, I am on the market. I’ve changed my look. My routines. My outlook. My availability to do — well, anything. I’m in reinvention mode. And I feel hot. And it’s the little things. The things I knew but didn’t acknowledge. The things other people noticed, but didn’t want to say.

Flirting with myselfGetting dressed for the day. I’ve not been this enthusiastic in some time. I look in my closet each morning and think about what I’d like to wear. And I accessorize! All this to go downstairs and sit at my desk. I told myself it was away of addressing the day to ensure that I felt like I was ‘at work.’ But it was really about feeling good about myself and feeling purposeful and empowered. It’s about getting my sexy on even if it’s just for Malcolm and Gwyneth (the cliche cats).

I’m wearing more make up. In order to save time at home I was leaving make up application until I got to the shop. Big mistake. More often that not, it never went on. I even convinced myself that I looked okay without it. ‘No one really cares.’ Are you kidding me? I’m not only wearing make up, but I’m putting lipstick on and I’m not even leaving the house.

I’m losing weight. This is the kicker. Here I am home with a fully stocked fridge and I’m not interested. Nor am I using it as an excuse to get up and take a break (the tea kettle has taken on that duty). But more than that — not only am I not eating so much, I’m eating so much better. It wasn’t that I ate a lot at work, I just didn’t think about what I ate. Why? I think it’s because now that I feel sexier I care about what I’m eating and how my clothes fit again.

I’m socializing more. It’s not that I’m less busy. Don’t have as much to do. But not being locked up in the shop all day means I can work at 7am or 7pm. If I want to go for a walk, head out for a quick coffee to get some fresh perspective, I can. And going out at night, like tonight, doesn’t seem like a bad idea. Because I’m not exhausted at 6pm anymore. And I want to go out and see what might happen.

So you get the point. I’m dating again. And it feels great. I look good. I feel good. I want to go out tonight and flirt myself into some research. To talk about who I am, what I do. In the context of me. Not in the context of “that shop in Westport.” I’m me again. I’m sexy. I’m alive. I’m ready to have fun. I’m ready to work and see what’s next. I’m not sad about the shop. I’m grateful for what I learned and ready to take the good, leave the bad, and make Bedroom Matters better than it was before. Make me better than I was before.

So rereading this it’s all statement of the obvious. But it’s not that obvious when you’re in it. And I was in it. So take this as one more testimonial, trite as it might seem. And got out do some research for yourself. And tell me when you’re done.

Happy January 22nd. Yes, not exactly January 1st but a lot has been going on!

  • I went to France.
  • I came back and announced I was moving Bedroom Matters exclusively online.

    I'm just too busy.

  • I closed the shop.
  • I sold fixtures and furniture in record time.
  • I moved what was left of Bedroom Matters merchandise into my home.
  • I spent a week finding room for it (thank you Deacon).
  • I had my first Saturday off.
  • The playoffs were yesterday.
  • And, now I’m waiting for Michaelangelo so I shouldn’t even be here, I should be finding all the wires and cables so he can properly set up my home office.

That’s a lot. And I have a lot to do. But as  you can see I’ve been/am very, very busy.

This struck me this morning. I was wondering about a friend and if he’d actually dumped his girlfriend. This has taken years mind you. And I thought of calling him and realized he’d have a hundred excuses about why he couldn’t do it last week, which is why he hasn’t called — well that and he’s been very, very busy.

This train led me to thinking about the class design I had to put together for my Circles. Having a cycle on excuses. Especially when it comes to relationships. Because we have good ones. I mean I have a laundry list equal to that above. So I couldn’t possibly get to all of the other things critical right now to my building success without a bricks and mortar store — nevermind getting me one of those relationship things. Please. But the real reason. Fear. What happens if I just sit down and do all the things sitting on my list that are critical to me moving my life forward? The Unknown. And the unknown might deliver exactly what I ask and then what?

So many men and women have come to me in the last two years in fear of the state of the marriage. And they serve up a thousand and one reasons excuses about how that has happened. But what happens if you put all intention on action rather than  obstacle. Yes, my laundry list above was real. And very time consuming. But it was also a great barrier to sitting and:

  • writing my blog
  • starting S&M Speak
  • getting what I needed to done for Playboy and Lifetime
  • fixing my website
  • getting new merchant services for my website
  • adhering to my diet
  • finding love

These are important things. Major. And not to be overlooked because my barn is too messy for me to write in. My computer works. And, by the way, I face the wall looking out the window over the horse paddocks. My back is to the mess. Catch my drift? We create barriers that aren’t really important. They seem important when we  sit and list them. But they’re not.

So what’s you excuse for fixing and/or finding love in 2010? Go ahead. Make the list. Then read it out loud to a friend and watch their face. As Nike says, Just Do It. I did. And No. 1 on my list took me exactly :11 minutes — to write this blog. Looks my real to do list could be done by lunch time.

Now can I find Mr. Right by then?