One of my Dad’s favorite expressions was “Youth is wasted on the young.” So, I see now, is lube. Teenage boys have been using it for years. Lube. Olive Oil. Banana peels. Or anything else Portnoy could think up. And they used it unapologetically. And in copious amounts. They used it because it felt good. Full stop. So what happened? Did they think the girl wouldn’t like it? Were they embarrassed to bring it out? Unfortunately for us girls, the closest thing we got to lube was KY-Jelly at the gynocologists office.  And you know what? We could have used lube then, and we can certainly use it now.8c741e45-65b8-bd7b-dd8a-bda07faad7c3

Lube has this strange stigma attached to it for women. Like if we aren’t self lubricating then somethings wrong with us. We’re not turned on. Or we’re post-menopausal. None of which are true. Sometimes, sports fans, we’re just dry. And sometimes, even if we are wet, poking something dry inside can still be painful. Lube has not gender. Lube has no age. Lube is a all round player in the world of pleasure. So pour it on!

For teenage girls it would certainly make self pleasuring a lot less painful. We girls all know what I’m talking about. And for lovemaking, it’s always a plus. It doesn’t make things too slippery. It doesn’t effect intensity for the man. It just smooths everything out. For everyone. If there’s pain, let there be lube. Even if you’re pouring like Niagara.

And for my menopausal ladies — you should have this on your bedside stand like you do your lotion. Dryness is a big issue post-menopause. And sex can be painful — for lots of different reasons. But a good lubricant can take care of a good 75% of the issues. Really. And, it enhances his pleasure as well. There is no need for pain in pleasure (unless you so desire it).

Besides, lube is fun in other ways, too! Great for hand jobs. And is a great way to get your man to soften his touch. Try it on your nipples, for a little massaging. Though not a substitute for massage oil as it absorbs more quickly and differently, it is fun to try on different erogenous zones to create a smooth, soft touch. Just for a minute. And then no messy, oily residue to deal with! My favorite is Kamastra’s Love Potion. It’s silicone. I know. But it’s light and it lasts a long time. And, yes, you could use olive oil, but it doesn’t absorb the same way and you wind up smelling like a salad.

So why the diatribe on lube? Because 75% of the people that walk into my store don’t use it. And at least half of them again, return to thank me and buy more. So go ahead. Buy it. At the very least, it’ll bring up some fun high school memories to get your evening off to a memorable start.

Advertisements

So I’m still obsessed with this New York Magazine article I wrote about last week about The Affairs of Men. I’ve had myriad conversations with women and men about it. I’m discovering that more and more women are having or have had affairs than I’d ever suspected. Apparently I live in some single gal pumpkin patch that thinks men are the primary cheaters once you get married. I clearly need to rethink that supposition.

But as an addendum to the article, they did a poll of men and women asking myriad questions about sex, frequency, beliefs. And this statistic caught my eye. That when asking marrieds how many times a month they had sex, men answered they had roughly 16% more sex than women. Really? Now I know these weren’t actual married couples that answered, but simply marrieds, but still. Really? How does that work?

Do men and women define sex differently? My discussions say yes. Men tend to define it as the act of intercourse, women often define it as what can be a quite complicated time/intimacy equation. Men don’t see blow jobs as sex, but women do if it is part of more intimate evening (I’m betting on your knees in the Oval Office counted as far as Monica was concerned). This is similar my question of The Line regarding affairs. Is there a line that defines sex. And if so, men are getting exponentially more based on this poll, and my ideas about how it is defined.

Maybe the definition of sex was made clear in the polling of the question, but what if it wasn’t. If women don’t enjoy it, does it count? Yes but begrudgingly — they’ll look for the caveat. Women want the emotional connection that goes with making love. Otherwise, as Charlotte in Sex and the City put it, they just want to “get it over with.” Men, trust me, if he gets off, it counts, baby.

So once again I’m left flummoxed. What am I asking? Or what am I concluding? What I am sure of is the act of sex is not a barometer of happiness. It’s a very necessary component to be sure. But how it’s happening is critical. And if he’s getting it 1.3 more times a month than she is then that bloody article above will continue to haunt me.

So here I am still looking for answers. Anyone got any? Bring it on.

So what is the line? When have you crossed it?

Is it the daily emails? Is it that first phone conversation? Is it the anticipation of your phone pinging you to tell you that you have a text?

Is it that first not so innocent touch at the bottom of your back? The first time you realize you shiver when you see him? Is it that first kiss? I don’t know. But my question is — whose boundary are you crossing? Yours. His. Or one that has been defined by our Puritanical history? What are you doing with the information? What does it mean?

I hear women are having affairs in record numbers these days. Is that different than before? No. I don’t think so. Women are just better at keeping those kinds of secrets, so we don’t hear about them. And in the land of anonymous Internet polling a new voice is being heard. Because our affairs (the ‘us’ of women) are coming from a place of deep wounds and healing. We’re discriminate. We’re honest with our feelings. We’re not pretending to be something we’re not. We are finding a healing. And that’s not bar talk. Our affairs aren’t bragging rights to be “understood” by our female cohort. It’s a dark hurt. That’s not a pass, it’s a truth.

To paraphrase a good friend, ‘the line of vulnerability gets thinner with each glass of wine.’ What’s a ‘girl’s night out’ after all? It’s a night to get shit out on the table. It might be shrouded in drink and revelry, but it’s all very raw. Very real. And you go home wondering.

So what is vulnerabililty for us? The need to be championed. The need to attended to. The need to feel again. The need to be appreciated. Is that different for men? On the outside yes. On the inside maybe not.

So what do I think? Men have affairs to get caught. Women have affairs to get found.

My answer — it’s your line. Cross it if you must. But make sure you like what (and who) is on the other side.